


Christmas at Faber

by yuletide_archivist



Category: Animal House (Movies)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-12-19
Updated: 2007-12-19
Packaged: 2018-01-25 04:56:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1632650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yuletide_archivist/pseuds/yuletide_archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean Wormer has a Christmas plot that he's absolutely certain the Delta boys won't be able to thwart. Poor, dumb Dean Wormer.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Christmas at Faber

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Roz McClure

 

 

DELTA HOUSE...

Boon had been watching Otter get ready for quite awhile. First came the shower, and the ritual drying and combing of the hair. Boon was very impressed that Otter had knocked his hair care down to less than ten minutes. The further ritual of the shave and the trimming of the nose hairs would not be rushed, however, so all in all it was well past twenty minutes by the time Boon finally felt the need to speak up.

"So..." he began.

Otter held up a finger to silence him, then applied a generous amount of after-shave in a complicated rhythm that involved slapping himself in the face several times, then clapping his hands and shooting the mirror with his forefingers and thumbs. There might have also been a wink, Boon wasn't sure.

"So what's this girl's name?" Boon asked, pulling Otter away from the allure of his own reflection.

"What girl?" Otter asked, turning towards his closet and dropping his towel on the floor.

"The girl you're currently dating," Boon said, wondering for the millionth time why he so often found himself speaking to his best friend's naked ass.

"Oh, that girl," Otter said, as he pulled on underwear and pants all in one go. "I have no idea. I call her 'dear' or 'baby,' usually. Sometimes 'sugar.' Makes it easier to let go when the time comes. As it always does."

"Ah, yes, the famous 'love 'em and leave 'em' approach."

"Exactly," Otter agreed. "Except for the 'love 'em' part. 'Screw 'em and leave 'em?'"

"Doesn't work," Boon said. "Try 'hump 'em and dump 'em.'"

"Nice," Otter said. "I'll remember that."

*****

MEANWHILE, ACROSS CAMPUS...

"Good, good, very good," Dean Wormer said as the culmination of his latest plan was lowered to the snow-covered ground in front of the Student Union. "Careful there," he went on as the workmen secured it to the ground and took off the protective wrapping.

"Very good indeed..." he said to himself, surveying the glory that stood before him. He then turned around to address his lackeys.

"Get those clothes on it, will you? It's Christmas, for God's sake!"

*****

LATER, BACK AT DELTA HOUSE...

Hoover strode to the bottom of the stairs and yelled "Emergency meeting!" at the top of his lungs. He then stepped aside to await the expected rapid descent of his frat brothers answering the call.

After several minutes of fruitless waiting, he stepped back in front of the stairs and glared upwards. When that didn't accomplish anything, he sighed and yelled "I bought beer!"

He barely managed to fling himself out of the way of the rampaging horde that immediately descended the stairs. Most authorities will insist that there be quite a few people present before the term "horde" is bandied about, but said authorities have never seen John Blutarsky making his way towards free beer. Which he did now, a horde of one. The rest of the frat sauntered down at their own pace.

*****

"I suppose you're wondering why I called you here," Hoover announced after he'd finally managed to get everyone downstairs into the meeting room.

This was met with variations on "No" and "Not really" from the assembled brothers, along with a single, plaintive, "You said there was beer!" from the back of the room.

"Ah, thanks," that voice said after Bluto tossed a bottle in its general direction.

Hoover, having long since developed the patience of Job, waited for everyone to settle down before speaking again.

"The reason I called you here," he said, "is a new addition to the quad in front of the Student Union. D-Day?"

D-Day obediently turned on the slide projector and displayed the first slide on the screen at the front of the room. The Deltas found themselves looking at a picture of what appeared to be a statue wearing a Santa Claus costume and holding the traditional canvas bag over its shoulder. The picture was taken from approximately fifty feet away, so no details could be seen.

Otter turned to Boon. "How does he always get the slides developed so quickly?"

Boon shrugged. "The man knows people. Best not to ask."

*****

MEANWHILE, IN DEAN WORMER'S OFFICE...

"Burning the midnight oil," Dean Wormer told the people standing in front of his desk. "Does a body good, from time to time. Keeps us one step ahead of those Delta miscreants."

"Yes, sir," Greg Marmalard said. Douglas C. Neidermeyer merely bowed his head solemnly in agreement.

"And we will be staying ahead of those mutants this time," Dean Wormer vowed. "Nothing is going to screw up the Christmas photo this year. You've got your people in position?"

"Of course, sir," Neidermeyer said. "I have a team watching the quad from the first floor of the Science building. If anyone approaches that statue, they'll see it and alert me, and I will alert you."

"And I'll alert the police," Wormer finished with satisfaction. "Excellent. You're sure they're out of sight? They won't be spotted?"

"Impossible, sir," Neidermeyer said. "I chose the surveillance spot myself, and they entered via the basement connection from the Music building, so no one will see anyone in the Science building. There's no chance anyone will spot our people. I'd stake my life on it.

*****

MEANWHILE, BACK AT DELTA HOUSE...

"So," Hoover said, pointing to a spot on the next slide, "they've got a couple Omegas watching the statue from the Science building, here. They're pretty well hidden, actually."

"How'd you spot them?" Boon asked.

"Boy Scout," Hoover said, giving the salute.

"Why that surprises me," Otter said, "I will never know. Okay, so we've got a statue they're guarding, presumably because they think we're going to go after it."

"Exactly," Hoover agreed.

"So maybe we just don't go after it?" Otter said. "I mean, what's the big deal? Is it worth it?"

"It's meant to be the backdrop for the annual Christmas picture," Hoover said. "The faculty and selected students..."

"Which is to say the Omegas," Boon put in.

"Will stand around the statue and have their picture taken tomorrow morning," Hoover went on. "Which presumably explains why they waited until tonight to install it. They didn't want us to notice until the pictures were already taken. The pictures will figure heavily into Faber's recruiting literature next year."

"Okay," Otter said. "I can see the appeal of messing that up for them, but how much do we really care?"

"Yeah!" Stork called out. "They got a statue of Santy Claus. Who the hell cares?"

"I'm glad you asked," Hoover said. "If it was indeed just a statue of Santa Claus, that would be one thing. However, as it happens..." he paused and made a small motion with his hand.

Nothing happened.

He made a slightly more pronounced motion with his hand.

Nothing happened.

Hoover sighed and said, "D-Day? Would you mind showing the next slide, please?"

D-Day, who had been taking a long, leisurely swig of his beer, gave Hoover a thumb's up and clicked to the next slide.

Pandemonium ensued. D-Day spit out his beer. Bluto screamed like a little girl. Boon and Otter both recoiled from the screen and made the sign of the cross with their fingers, as if to ward off the evil that they found themselves confronted with.

There, staring at them from the screen, was a close-up of the Santa statue's face. It was a striking facsimile of the face of Faber College's beloved Dean, Vernon Wormer. Wearing a Santa hat and a jolly grin that suggested he knew exactly who had been naughty and nice.

*****

MEANWHILE, IN DEAN WORMER'S OFFICE...

"I just wish," Dean Wormer said, "that I could see the looks on the Deltas' faces when they realize I've put one past them, and there's nothing they can do."

"I'm sure it'll be glorious, sir," Marmalard said.

"I know it will, you brown-nosing little prick! I don't need you to tell me that! Why are you two still here, anyway? Get out there and keep those bastards away from my statue!"

"Yes, sir!" Neidermeyer and Marmalard said in unison. Neidermeyer threw in a salute for good measure, and then they both filed out of the room.

Wormer ignored their exit, lost in his thoughts. "Glorious," he whispered to himself. "And there's not a thing they can do about it."

*****

OUTSIDE DEAN WORMER'S OFFICE...

"Should we go take a turn at the surveillance post?" Neidermeyer asked.

"Hell no," Marmalard replied. "That's pledge work. We belong in bed."

"You would make a fine leader of men."

"Don't I know it."

*****

MEANWHILE, BACK AT DELTA HOUSE...

"Clearly," Otter said, springing up from the couch, "we have to do something about this. It's un-American, is what it is. It's a direct assault on everything that is good and pure about Christmas!"

Bluto stood up and declared, "No one fucks with Santa Claus."

D-Day and Boon rose beside him and nodded to each other. "Not on our watch," D-Day said.

"Not on our watch!" the entire room chorused.

"I'm glad we're agreed," Otter said. "But now we need a plan."

*****

They talked long into the night, discarding one plan after another. This one was too complicated, that one was too violent. This one would take too much time to set up, that one was way too violent. This one required equipment they couldn't acquire in time, that one would get them tried for war crimes at The Hague.

Eventually it was agreed, over some protest, that they would avoid plans specifically intended to cause death or grievous bodily harm to Dean Wormer or the Omegas, and that any plans to cause grievous bodily harm to former Vice President Richard Milhous Nixon, while wholeheartedly supported by the majority of the frat, should be tabled until the current emergency was dealt with. With their energies thus focused, they soon hit upon a plan that seemed to offer at least some hope of success in the time they had available.

"It's a long shot," Otter said, "but it just might work."

"Sure," Boon agreed. "But where the hell are we gonna get 50 gallons of goat piss at this hour?"

"Let me make some calls," Hoover said.

*****

MEANWHILE, AT THE OMEGAS' SURVEILLANCE POST...

"Well, shit," one Omega said to the other. "It's starting to snow."

And so it was. Large, wet flakes, no less, guaranteed to stick and pile up quickly.

"Who cares?" the other Omega said. "We can still see just fine, and it'll make the picture look better tomorrow."

*****

MEANWHILE, BACK AT DELTA HOUSE...

"Thank God," Otter said. "It's beginning to snow. D-Day?"

"On it," D-Day said, and vanished into the night.

*****

MEANWHILE, AT DEAN WORMER'S HOUSE...

"Glorious," Dean Wormer whispered, and giggled himself to sleep.

His wife waited until his breathing evened out and she knew he was truly asleep, then slipped into the bathroom for a few slugs of the green-tinted vodka she kept in her mouthwash bottle.

*****

MEANWHILE, BACK AT DELTA HOUSE...

Bluto crooned to himself as he worked on the blue-prints. He used his ruler, protractor and compass to carefully measure twice before making any notes, and wrote as precisely as possible, producing a document that an architect would envy.

Otter walked up and clapped him on the back. "Take a break, buddy. Let me take a look at it. I'm an Engineering major, you know."

"I thought you were pre-med," Boon said, joining them.

"Why would you think that?" Otter asked.

Bluto stood up and formally handed his pencil and ruler to Otter, then wandered off in search of something to drink.

Boon and Otter looked at the blue-prints. They looked at each other. They looked back at the blue-prints. They carefully rotated the blue-prints ninety degrees and erased all of Bluto's notes, then Otter settled down in the chair.

"You got this?" Boon asked.

"I got it. You leaving?"

"Yeah," Boon said. "I gotta get Katy. If she misses this she'll be pissed."

*****

MEANWHILE, AT THE COUNTY PUBLIC WORKS HQ...

D-Day deftly hot-wired the big truck and drove it out of the parking area as quietly as he could. Leaving it idling on the street, he walked back to close and re-lock the gate. He got back in the truck and started to drive off.

The sight of the snow falling made him stop. He fiddled with the controls until he got the plow lowered, then drove off into the night.

*****

MEANWHILE, AT A CLOTHING STORE IN TOWN...

A brick flew through the front window. A crowbar was used to break off the remaining glass. Two sets of hands reached in, stole a mannequin, and carried it off into the night.

*****

MEANWHILE, AT THE OMEGAS' SURVEILLANCE POST...

"Got any fives?"

"Go fish."

*****

LATER, AT KATY'S HOUSE...

Katy rubbed her eyes.

"Tell me again why I'm awake at this hour?" she demanded.

"Because we have to save Santa Claus from being defiled!" Boon told her.

"Tell me again why I shouldn't just kill you and go back to bed?" Katy asked.

Instead of answering, Boon handed her a slide. She held it up to the light and squinted.

"Sweet merciful God!" she screamed. "This must be stopped!"

*****

MUCH LATER, BACK AT DELTA HOUSE...

Otter, Boon and Katy walked out to meet D-Day as he drove up in the truck.

"Where the hell you been?" Boon demanded after D-Day turned off the truck and exited the cab.

"Plowing," D-Day explained.

"What?"

"Plowing," he said again. "The roads between where I got the truck and here."

"You weren't supposed to plow the damned roads!" Otter cried.

"Hey," D-Day said. "When you steal a municipal vehicle, you take on certain responsibilities."

Otter turned beseechingly to Boon and Katy.

"Don't look at me," Boon said.

"I think it's sweet," Katy said.

Otter shook his head, then turned back to D-Day. "Go take a look at the plans, will you? We have to move soon."

D-Day nodded and headed into the house.

"Are you ready for your part later on?" Otter asked Katy.

"I'm ready," Katy said.

"I still think it would be better if you were naked," Otter said.

"Your opinion is noted," Katy said, "and completely ignored." To Boon, she said, "You want to maybe jump in here? He thinks I should take my clothes off, and you don't say a word?"

Boon stared at her in confusion. "I'm not supposed to want you to take your clothes off? Have you met me?"

"Fair point," Katy conceded. "Okay. Change of subject. Otter, Boon tells me you have a new lady friend. What's her name?"

Otter's eyes developed a slight look of panic. "Can we go back to you being naked?" he asked hopefully.

*****

LATER, ON THE QUAD...

"Coming through!" D-Day yelled to no one in particular as the truck jumped the curb and drove over the frozen grass to the paved area in front of the Science building. He went back and forth a few times moving snow around before the truck suddenly stalled in front of a seemingly unremarkable window.

*****

MEANWHILE, AT THE OMEGAS' SURVEILLANCE POST...

"That damned truck's cutting off our view!"

"Jesus, calm down. Give him a minute, he's just stalled."

Indeed, the sounds of the engine trying vainly to turn over could be easily heard through the window.

*****

MEANWHILE, ON THE QUAD...

"Go! Go! Go!" Bluto yelled, slapping Boon, Katy and Otter on the back as they raced by, then running to catch up. He was slightly hampered by the mannequin on his back, but still made it to the Wormer statue long before they had loosened the bolts that secured it to its base. Pulling Katy away from the wrench she was manning with Boon, he handed her the mannequin and threw his weight into the fight.

Katy took her first good look at the mannequin and said, "Okay, why'd you steal a female mannequin?"

"Blame Stork," Otter grunted. "At least it's wearing a Santa outfit."

"Yeah," Boon gasped, grinning as the bolt he and Bluto were battling gave way. "I'm just glad he didn't come back with a mannequin in Bermuda shorts."

"Okay, here we go," Otter said as his bolt also gave way. "Let's get him down gentle."

Together, they eased the surprisingly light statue to the ground.

"Think it's hollow?" Boon asked.

"Hope so," Otter said. "Make our job easier."

Katy had already placed the mannequin on the base in roughly the same position the statue had been in. "How do we keep it here?" she asked.

Otter pulled out a role of duct tape. "We Engineering majors think ahead."

"I thought you were pre-med," Katy said, holding the mannequin in place as Otter taped its feet down.

"Please," Otter said. "I think I'd know if I were pre-med."

*****

MEANWHILE, AT THE OMEGAS' SURVEILLANCE POST...

"That's it, I'm heading out there."

"No, wait, the truck's moving."

Indeed it was. It pulled away, and the Omegas' view was restored. There was snow on the window, and snow in the air, but there was also quite definitely a statue-like object wearing a Santa Suit right where such an object should be.

"See? Nothing to worry about."

"I don't know. Does it look different to you?"

"Yeah, sure. It looks different. Just deal the damned cards, you retard."

"Oh, blow me."

"If that's what it takes to get you to deal the cards, fine!"

"Promises, promises."

*****

MEANWHILE, IN THE EXTREMELY CROWDED CAB OF THE PLOW TRUCK...

"I really can't believe that worked," Katy said.

"Of course it worked," Bluto said. "We're on a mission from God."

"You mean Santa," Otter said.

"What's the difference?" D-Day asked.

"I've always wondered," Boon said.

*****

LATER, BACK AT DELTA HOUSE...

The sounds of pounding, sawing, drinking and swearing died away gradually as Hoover started ferrying five-gallon jugs into the garage.

"Tell me that's not what I think it is," Otter said.

"It certainly is," Hoover said. "Genuine German Medium-Hair Goat urine. Fifty gallons."

"German Medium-Hair Goats?" Katy asked Boon.

"I don't find that to be the most interesting detail, personally," he said.

"How," Otter said, "and I hesitate to ask this, but how did you get ahold of so much goat urine in the middle of the night?"

"I was in 4-H," Hoover said and gave another, more elaborate salute.

"And this is what being in 4-H prepares you to do?" Otter asked incredulously.

"Oh, it prepares you for much more than that," Hoover assured him.

"Like what?" Otter demanded.

"Wait," Katy said, cutting off Hoover as he started to reply. "Otter, do you really want him to answer that question?"

Otter thought about it for all of a second. "No," he said. "No, I do not."

"Right," D-Day said. "Bring that piss over here. We're ready for it."

"Ready for goat piss," Boon mused. "My father would be so proud."

"Your father actually would be proud," Katy said.

"This is true."

*****

LATER, STILL AT DELTA HOUSE...

"Are we done?"

"It sure feels like we're done."

"Does it work?"

"Should we test it?"

"If we're going to test it, we probably should have loaded it with water instead of goat piss."

"That's genuine German Medium-Hair Goat urine to you, you philistine."

"Oh, and you're what, an aficionado? A connoisseur of goat piss?"

"I dabble, yes."

"You dabble?!"

"Guys! We're getting off track. Do we test it, or do we trust it'll work?"

"It's loaded with goat piss?"

"Yep."

"I vote for trust."

"Seconded."

"Hell yes."

"The ayes have it."

*****

LATER, AT THE OMEGAS' SURVEILLANCE HQ...

There was a knock on the door. The two Omega pledges looked up.

"Hi," said the cute brunette. "My name is... Trish, and I'm lost. Is this the Music building?"

"No," one of the Omegas said. "This is the Science building."

"Oh, I'm such an idiot!" Katy/Trish berated herself. "I can't get anything right! I'm too stupid to go to college!"

"Hey, whoa," the other Omega said. "Calm down. It can't be that bad. What are you doing out this late, anyway?"

"Well," Katy said, watching carefully over the Omegas' shoulders as the Delta boys lumbered across the Quad with the now fully-loaded and quite heavy statue, "I'm going to start here next semester, and my cousins live in town, so I figured I'd come in, get the lay of the land, y'know?"

"In the middle of the night?" one of the Omegas asked skeptically.

"Sure," Katy said. "I can take my time, and there's no one around to see my screw-ups. Besides, it's more romantic, don't you think?" She fluttered her eyelashes.

"Romantic, absolutely," the other Omega agreed, nodding his head. Over his shoulder Katy could see Boon and Otter gesticulating wildly at each other while Bluto cursed them both and D-Day and Hoover actually set about doing the work they'd come to accomplish.

She pulled a huge, crumpled map out of her backpack and said, "Do you think you guys could go over this with me? Help me get my bearings?"

The two Omegas looked at each other and smiled. "Sure," they said in unison. "We can do that."

It turned out Katy needed quite a lot of help. Very detailed, meticulous help. The kind that kept them all looking at the map instead of out the window for quite some time.

*****

LATER, BACK AT KATY'S HOUSE...

"So it all went okay?" Katy asked.

"Like a charm," Boon said. "Speaking of, did you have to charm those Omega boys quite so much?"

"That was the whole plan!"

"Making a date with one of them was not part of the plan!"

"Oh. My. God." Katy said. "You're jealous of Trish."

"Who the hell is Trish?" Boon demanded.

"Trish is the one who made the date with that idiot back there," Katy explained. "Katy is the one who's not going to go on the date, because Katy is smart enough to know that she only agreed to the date as Trish to keep those idiots' attention away from what was going on with the statue."

Boon thought that one over for a moment. "Are you saying I'm not smart?"

"Let's find out," Katy said. "Do you want to go to bed, or do you want to argue about Trish's date some more?"

"Go to bed," Boon answered immediately.

"Genius," Katy said, smiling and kissing him. "Pure genius."

*****

LATER THAT MORNING, ON THE QUAD...

Dean Wormer motioned Marmalard and Neidermeyer over.

"You're sure the statue was undisturbed?" he asked.

"Absolutely," Neidermeyer said.

"Right," Marmalard agreed. "No one came near it. We saw to it ourselves."

"Good," Wormer smiled. "Very good! Are you ready for the pictures?"

"Absolutely, sir," Marmalard said. "Let me bring our two pledges over here, though, if you don't mind."

"Why those two?" Wormer asked.

"They helped with the surveillance," Neidermeyer said. "Slightly. We did most of the work ourselves, of course, but we thought they should be rewarded as well."

"Of course!" Dean Wormer agreed magnanimously. "Everyone involved deserves to share in the glory!"

"And I'm sure the glory will be amazing, sir," Marmalard said, "but no more than you deserve!"

Dean Wormer sighed. "If you could take your lips off my ass before they actually take the pictures, son, I'd appreciate it."

*****

MEANWHILE, ON TOP OF THE SCIENCE BUILDING...

"Pretty good view," Otter mused.

"Bit cold," Boon said.

"I don't mind," Katy said, snuggled up next to him.

"Get a room," Otter jeered.

"We will," Boon assured him, "as soon as this is over."

"Where are the others?" Katy asked, craning her neck to look around.

"Hoover's in the Student Union with his camera," Otter said, pointing. "I think Storkman's with him. D-Day and Bluto, I have no idea. Probably don't want to know."

"They won't miss it, though," Boon said.

Otter nodded. "Nobody fucks with Santa Claus," he said.

"Not on our watch," Boon agreed.

They all fell silent as Dean Wormer, Marmalard and Neidermeyer arranged themselves around the statue. Katy frowned as Marmalard called the two pledges over.

"Oh, man," she said. "I was hoping they'd stay out of it."

"Is that Trish talking?" Boon demanded.

"Oh, for God's sake," Katy began, but was cut off by Otter.

"Wait," he said. "Wormer's giving his speech."

Indeed he was. It was a long speech, as Dean Wormer's speeches tended to be. He beamed at the assembled faculty, all of them far away from the statue and well out of the prestigious first picture. That honor was reserved for Dean Wormer himself.

Wormer gestured to the cameraman and put his arm around the shoulder of the statue that bore his face. They both smiled at the camera.

*****

MEANWHILE, SOMEWHERE NEARBY...

"Three..." D-Day counted down. "Two... One..."

"Boom," Bluto said, and pushed the button.

*****

MEANWHILE, ON THE QUAD...

Dean Wormer was reveling in his glory. So what if his wife was at home nursing yet another hangover? This was his moment, not hers. He didn't even mind sharing it with those Omega twits. Well, not too much, at least. And you had to placate the help, after all, didn't you? It was only right and proper. As long as they stayed away from the place of honor. That was reserved for the man of the hour, Dean Vernon Wormer.

The Dean stepped up to the statue of himself dressed as Santa Claus and blessed his own genius once again. It would look wonderful in the handbook they sent to prospective students. He threw his arm around the statue's shoulders and waved the Omegas back a few feet. This first shot was all his.

He smiled at the camera and waited as the idiot fiddled with the lens cap. At least the movie camera he'd ordered was here and running correctly. He'd have this entire escapade preserved for posterity.

Finally, the cameraman was ready. Dean Wormer's smile widened, then faltered as he heard an odd creaking noise right next to his ear. He turned his head to look at the statue, and was astonished to see that the statue was turning its head to look at him! Not only that, it had opened its mouth! Or wait, no it hadn't, but the mouth was open. There seemed to be some sort of tube there. He leaned in closer to get a better look...

*****

MEANWHILE, ON TOP OF THE SCIENCE BUILDING...

The three of them gazed in silent ecstasy as the statue unloaded right into Wormer's face. He recoiled, sputtering outrage, but all that accomplished was to give him a mouthful of genuine German Medium-Haired Goat urine. Judging from his reaction, it was not to his taste. He threw himself onto the ground on one side, cursing a blue streak but most likely feeling fortunate that he had evaded the stream that was still issuing from the statue's mouth.

That's when the rest of the statue started to move. The head, torso and legs all rotated quickly and separately, and goat urine sprayed from the mouth, fingers and crotch, liberally coating both Dean Wormer and the Omegas that were helping him up off the ground, and staining the snow yellow in a fifteen foot radius around the statue.

No one else was hit. The cameramen moved their equipment out of the way but kept filming, and the assembled faculty hadn't yet been allowed close enough to be in any danger. Dean Wormer and the Omegas soon escaped the reach of the statue as well, but slipped and fell several times in the process, ending up absolutely drenched from head to toe.

"I can die happy now," Otter said. The others could only nod in mute agreement.

*****

MEANWHILE, SOMEWHERE NEARBY...

D-Day and Bluto watched as several of their most cherished dreams came true. D-Day removed his hat and placed it reverently over his heart, and a single tear rolled down Bluto's cheek.

"Mission from God," he whispered.

*****

MEANWHILE, ON THE QUAD...

Dean Wormer glared at all the faculty members who were laughing at him. Worse were the ones who he knew wanted to laugh, and would, as soon as they were safely away. God alone knew how far this story was going to travel by night-fall. The cameramen had already fled the scene, taking their incriminating film with them. They would wait, however, as would the traitorous faculty. His first revenge was nearby, and it was going to be sweet.

"Marmalard!" he barked. "Neidermeyer!"

"Sir!" they chorused, coming to attention in front of him.

"You told me no one got to the statue. You told me you saw to it yourselves!"

Neidermeyer stared at the ground. Marmalard gaped like a fish.

"I hope you boys like hell," Dean Wormer growled. "Because that's where you're going to be by the time I get done with you."

He started to say more, but his attention was caught by one of the pledges standing behind their leaders. He was licking his lips thoughtfully and seemed to want to speak.

"What is it?" he demanded.

"I think it's German Medium-Haired Goat," the pledge said.

Everyone turned to stare at him.

"What?" the pledge said. "I was in 4-H."

*****

LATER, BACK AT DELTA HOUSE...

"This was definitely one for the ages," Otter said.

"Yep," Boon agreed.

"How did your pictures come out?" Katy asked Hoover.

"Not bad," he said. "And I know the other cameramen who were there. I can get copies of their stuff."

"Excellent," Otter said. "That goes in the archives, for sure."

"We saved Christmas," D-Day said.

"I don't know if I'd go that far," Boon said, "but we definitely screwed Wormer."

"That's enough of a Christmas miracle for me," Otter said.

"God bless us, every one," Bluto agreed.

"My only question," Hoover said, "is what do we do with the rest of the goat urine? We still have thirty gallons of the stuff. How do we get rid of it?"

Everyone looked at one another. Bluto cocked an eyebrow.

*****

THAT NIGHT, AT DEAN WORMER'S FAVORITE BAR...

"Hit me, Solly," Wormer said as he collapsed onto a bar stool.

"Rough day?" Solly asked.

"I don't want to talk about it," Wormer said. "Just give me something to drink."

"Sure thing," Solly said, filling a mug. "Try this one. Just got it in. German. They make good beer."

"That they do," Wormer said. "Anything to get this damned taste out of my mouth."

He raised the mug to his lips...

 


End file.
